Addiction Read online

  Looking at Kendra, I still feel the burning need inside of me. I look at her collar, sensing an uncontrollable urge to have one for myself. I want someone to own me, control me, and shockingly, I want someone to punish me, too.

  Holding her gaze, I firmly say, “I’m ready, Kendra. I need this more than I thought possible, and I don’t think I can go another day, pushing down who I’m meant to be.”

  “Alright. When do you want to start?”

  “Now?”

  Kendra laughs loudly, and then says, “I like your spunk, but right now, might not be the best option.” Letting out a chuckle, I get her point. We’re in a public place, so some privacy would be best. “How about you come over to my place, and we’ll go from there.”

  We stand to leave, and I make sure to leave behind a tip. Pushing my chair under the table, I walk over to Kendra. “Before I forget, how do you become a member at Sensuality?”

  I tried to find out the requirements with my Google search last night, but I couldn’t find anything about it. I’m assuming it’s like an invite only club, sort of like The Gentlemen’s Club. Only select men are officially accepted for membership, and not anyone can just join.

  “Oh, that,” Kendra starts, as we walk towards our parked cars. “That may be a bit more complicated.”

  “Why?”

  “Because you’ll have to talk to Sebastian.” My eyes widen, but I’m not sure why I’m surprised. I should’ve known he owned that club by the way he acted last night. Before I can say anything more, Kendra says, “I don’t think it’ll be complicated because he’s our boss.” I stand still, waiting for her to finish. After she pushes out another breath, she asks, “You don’t see it do you?”

  “Kendra, I really have no idea what you’re talking about.”

  “Hmm, that’s what I thought. Okay, I’ll be completely honest with you. It’ll be complicated because Sebastian is a Dom. He’s a Dom, you’re a newbie sub, and I’m pretty sure he wants you to be his sub.”

  I keep silent, as my heart begins to race. My stomach dips, as it clenches at the same time. “I don’t think it’s a bad idea to be in a Dom/sub relationship with him. I just think it’ll make things … weird at the club. You understand what I mean?”

  “Yeah, I think so.” She has a point. Dom’s are known for being very possessive. Most like control with everything, as if they’re Dom’s all day long. At least, that’s what a few articles told me. “How does it work with you and Weston?”

  “That’s a hard limit for us. I dance, because I enjoy it, so he doesn’t ask, and I don’t share anything about the club. He hates it, but at the end of the day, he’s not the kind of Dom I need to control my entire life. He understands that, so it works for us.”

  Nodding, I guess everyone has their own ways of dealing with things. Pulling out my keys, I start to turn to open the car door, before I stop. “Hey, what did you mean Sebastian wants me to be his sub?”

  Kendra shakes her head, as she asks, “You really are clueless, aren’t you?” When I don’t respond, she says, “He watches you all the time. When you dance, he’s at the bar watching. When you’re walking around the club, he’s nearby, eyes on you and only you. Have you really never noticed?”

  “I … I … no. I guess not. I always thought he was avoiding me.”

  It’s hard for me to wrap my mind around what she’s telling me. I’ve gone for years thinking he didn’t want anything to do with me, and I told myself to give him space. Surely, Kendra is mistaken. “There’s no way he watches me that much.” She’s just reading into it too much.

  “Hate to break it to you, but that man has it bad for you.” Frowning, I try to believe her, and I really do try to take her word for it. However, when you’ve wanted someone so much, yet knowing how it’s never worked out, it’s hard to think differently. “Next time we’re at the club, just watch him, Trix. Trust me, you’ll see it for yourself then.”

  I agree, even though I think she’s full of shit.

  Dancing with the beat of “Acquainted” by The Weeknd, I let the music flow through me, even if I don’t feel the rush anymore. The words still have meaning. The beat still makes me want to move to it, and I still enjoy hearing the men, calling my name. Even if dancing doesn’t give me the high I need anymore, I still give it my all, when I’m dancing.

  Using the pole, I know exactly what to do to get all the high-class men to holler even louder. They toss money on the stage, as I swing around the pole, while lifting my legs. After a few moments of going around the pole, I grip a hold of it, using my legs. With my right leg holding onto the pole tightly, I straighten out my left leg and lean back at the same time. My hands are out stretched, and I use my fingers to run up and down my body.

  All I hear is the men yelling at me, and then they toss their hard earned money onto the stage.

  That’s when I see him. A single hundred-dollar bill slowly flies around in the air, and if it hadn’t, I probably would’ve missed him sitting at the far end of the bar. He sits away from everyone else, drinking alone it seems. I stare so long at him, that I almost lose my balance on the pole, as I unlock my leg.

  I recover from it quickly, but my gaze finds him the second I get another chance. I don’t know if he notices I see him or not. He hasn’t moved from that spot. Moving closer to the front of the stage, I shake my hips, flip my hair, and touch my body exactly like the men want.

  But my gaze never leaves Sebastian.

  In a way, I’m dancing for him. I’m not dancing for these drunken rich men anymore. They aren’t doing anything for me, so why not delve into my fantasy? I never let myself go there before, because I didn’t know, if I could come back from it. I’ve wanted him for so long, that I feared thinking about him or fantasying about him, would cause me to get lost in my mind. I feared it would become too addictive to leave my made-up fantasy world, so I never thought of him, while I danced.

  Now, I do.

  As soon as I let myself go there, my body instantly changes. My heart begins to race, and I have to suck in a deep breath. Still dancing around the stage, I wonder if anyone else has realized how hard my nipples have become. Do they think it’s for them? No one else will know either just how wet I’ve become. They might notice my skin breaking out in goosebumps, as I imagine Sebastian sitting right in front of me, watching me with those intense green eyes.

  This is what’s been missing, when I dance. The rush. The high. The feeling as if nothing can bring me down. Closing my eyes, I relish every single sensation I’m experiencing. It’s like I’m feeling it again for the first time, and fuck, I’ve missed this. It’s only been two days, since I went to Sensuality with Kendra, but two days of feeling nothing is enough. I want this sense of rightness to stay with me every single day, and for every second of the day. I don’t care what I have to do to get it.

  I want it.

  As the song comes to an end, disappointment fills me, because my time on stage is over. Opening my eyes, I glance to the spot Sebastian is at, and he’s still there. Still watching me closely. I hate having to break the connection we seem to be having, but I have to. Quickly grabbing the money off the stage, I turn my gaze back to him one last time, before I leave the stage.

  I shouldn’t be surprised he’s getting up, but I am. Maybe, Kendra was right all along, and I have been totally clueless.

  One week later…

  Walking up the front steps, I reach the door, and then ring the bell. It doesn’t take long at all, before Gabbie, Ava’s little girl, answers it. “Aunt Trixie!” Bending down, I scoop her up, making sure to give her lots of kisses.

  “Hey, munchkin. Where’s your mom?” I know how much Ava hates, when Gabbie answers the door without her, so I know she has to be close by.

  She wiggles to be put down, and then says, “Her up there.” She states, pointing towards the stairs. “Nik had a blowed out. I don’t know dat means, Aunt Trixie.”

  Smiling, I shut the door behind me. Taking Gabbie’s hand, I
lead her up to Nikola’s room. As we walk, I say, “A blowout is a term that grown-ups use, when a baby or toddler has a number two diaper, but it’s really bad. Like the poo is coming out of the diaper.”

  Gabbie scrunches her nose, as she claims, “Dat’s really gross. Mommy should potty twain Nik, so he doesn’t poop all over the place.”

  Unable to hold back a laugh, I glance down. She is growing up so fast, but she still hasn’t quite kicked the baby talk just yet. She’ll be four soon, and it’s hard to believe how much she’s changed, since I met Ava. Gabbie has always been such a free spirit, and I don’t think that’ll ever change.

  “Well, Nik isn’t old enough to learn, but I know you’ll help him, once he’s big enough.”

  “Dats right. I’m a big sister.”

  “And you’re a great sister to your brother,” I say, walking into Nikolai’s nursery.

  Ava is in the process of turning, and once she notices me, she smiles. “Hey, Trix.” Her eyes narrow at Gabbie, before asking, “Did you open the door?”

  Glancing down at Gabbie, she swings back and forth, as her hands clasp behind her back. “Hers not mean, Mommy.”

  “I know, Gabbie, but what have Viktor and I told you about answering the door without us?”

  “Hers not a stranger!”

  Covering my mouth, I try not to laugh. It’s hard though, since Gabbie is so cute, and she does have a valid point. Nikolai screams loudly, and Ava sighs, before turning around to pick him up off the changing table. “Gabbie, please don’t answer the door without me again, okay?”

  “Okay, Mommy. Can I play now?”

  “Yes, you can go play.” She squeals, quickly rushing past me and out of the room. Shaking my head, Ava says, “Vik and I have been trying to teach her about strangers, but as you can see, it’s not working out like we want.”

  “She’ll get there.” I assure her. “We all know she never meets a stranger.”

  “Abie! Abie!”

  “I think someone wants his sister,” Ava claims, as she glances to Nikolai. Watching them, my heart clenches, seeing how much love she has in her eyes. It’s so clear she adores her son, and Nikolai grins, as she kisses his chunky cheeks. “Do you want to see Aunt Trixie?”

  “Da, da!” He yells, and I know enough Russian to know that means yes. Plus, the way he says dad, is so different than yes. It sounds more like da-de than da-da.

  Walking up to them, he practically jumps in my arms. “Hey, buddy. You’re getting heavy.” His little hands reach for my face, and he giggles, as I act like I’m going to eat them. “Come on, buddy. Let’s go find your sister.” Before I turn to walk out, Ava watches me, and I frown. “Are you okay?”

  Her hand touches her stomach that’s just now starting to show that she’s pregnant. “Yeah, I’m fine. It’s just you’re so good with him and Gabbie. Do you think you’ll ever have any kids?”

  Looking at Nikolai, he uses both hands to grab my face, as I mull over Ava’s question. “Maybe. I honestly haven’t thought about it before.”

  I’ve never let myself think about kids, because I don’t know if I would be good enough for them. My mother wasn’t the greatest role model, so I don’t want to fuck up. However, as I continue to gaze at Nik, my heart clenches with want.

  Pushing down the intense sensation, I hand Nik back to Ava. “How about we work on those wedding plans?”

  Thankfully, she understands I want to change the subject. “I have the checklist Mom gave me downstairs. Oh, ouch, Nik,” she calls out, as Nikolai pulls hard on her hair. “Okay, bud. That’s not a toy.” I rush over to help her, and it’s a struggle to get her hair free. Nik thinks it’s hilarious, and I smile, hearing his giggles. “I’m thinking about cutting my hair off. He loves pulling it,” Ava says, and I follow her downstairs.

  “I’m not sure if that will stop him,” I claim.

  “You’re probably right,” she answers, as she reaches the living room. Once she puts Nikolai down close by Gabbie, she stands tall, touching her stomach again. “Gabbie, please play nicely.”

  “Okay, Mommy. Hers can have dis one,” she states, as she hands Nik a Barbie Doll.

  It instantly goes into his mouth, and Ava shakes her head, pulling it away from him. “How about this one?” She quickly gives Nik one of his baby toys that’s more suitable for him to chew on.

  Once the kids are settled, and they seem to be playing fine, Ava and I sit at the kitchen island. We’re still able to see the kids play, since the kitchen is open, and the living room is on our right. Seeing the checklist Ava said she had, I reach over, pulling it to me.

  “Ella has most of this checked off,” I say, shocked that I don’t have much left to do.

  “Yeah, Mom has been on a mission to finish everything as soon as possible.”

  “That’s good, since it makes my job easier,” I claim with a laugh. “Oh, by the way, Kendra wanted to know if she can come to the wedding. She misses you and really wants to see you.”

  “I’ve been meaning to ask Vik, if we should invite some of the girls from the club. I would love to see her again. It’s been a while, since I saw any of them.”

  Glancing up from the checklist, Ava stares at the wall. “Do you miss dancing?”

  She turns her gaze towards her two precious babies, playing together on the floor. “Sometimes I do. Sometimes I miss the rush that it gave me, and the way Viktor would watch me dance.”

  She looks at me, before finishing, “But I’d much rather be at home with my kids. Don’t get me wrong, the job was pretty amazing, but now that I have another one on the way, it makes sense to be at home. Plus, I don’t need the rush anymore. I don’t need to work, thankfully.”

  “I totally understand. You’ve found what you really need, and being at home with your children, is it.”

  “Exactly.” She glances over to Gabbie and Nikolai, before saying, “Those two mean so much to me, so I can’t imagine ever going back.”

  I wish I had that kind of purpose. I wish I had what I needed to make me feel so content, like Ava. I’m not jealous by any means, but Ava has everything she’s ever wanted.

  I just want to feel that complete, too.

  As I’m about to change the subject back to the wedding, the front door opens, and Viktor walks in, smiling as soon as he spots Ava. I use my hand to prop up my head, as I watch Ava jump off the stool, rushing towards him. As they embrace, Gabbie squeals with her excitement, as Nik tosses a toy across the room, before he clumsily gets up to greet his dad.

  It’s clear as day that Viktor is happy to be home with this family. I’ve known him for a long time, but I’ve never seen him smile this big before. I’ve never seen him so happy. My heart clenches, seeing how much this family shows freely that they are happy to be around each other. They show how much they care for each other, simply by greeting a loved one.

  I wouldn’t know how that feels.

  My home wasn’t full of love, like Ava’s. Mine was completely different. Whereas Ava and Viktor are so excited to see one another, mine was as if the world was coming to an end. My mother never greeted my father. If she was in the general area with him, she always had something negative or awful to say to him. Nothing was ever good enough for my mother.

  Hearing Gabbie and Nikolai giggle loudly, I blink away my past memories, forcing myself to witness their happiness. It makes me smile, seeing and watching them like this. Ava and Viktor have come such a long way, since they met, and I only wish them even more happiness.

  “How are you, Trix?” Viktor asks, picking up Nik.

  “Good. Ava and I are working on wedding plans, but Ella has beat me to it.”

  He smiles, saying, “Sounds like her.”

  “Mom is overdoing it,” Ava cuts in.

  “No, she’s not. She’s just doing what any mom would.”

  With a pointed look, Ava claims, “Just remember Nik’s baby shower.”

  “Alright, you got me on that one.” Viktor turns towards Nik, as he says, �
�Your Gammie likes to overdo things.”

  “I see Gammie!”

  “Oh, crap,” Viktor mutters, realizing his mistake.

  “We’ll see Gammie in a few days, okay?”

  “Mommy, see Gammie!” Nik wails, and I shrink back, hoping Ava and Viktor can avoid a full out tantrum.

  Ava quickly takes Nikolai, rushing towards the living room. Gabbie quickly follows behind her, and thankfully, they distract him. “Ella will love hearing about this,” Viktor says, walking over by me.

  Letting out a laugh, I say, “I’m sure she will.”

  It’s no secret that Gabbie and Nikolai love Ella, and I’m sure once the baby comes, it’ll be the same way. Ella is just the best. She’s so loving and caring, and she’s pretty much everything I wish I had growing up. Before I get a chance to say anything more, the doorbell rings.

  Gabbie, of course, rushes towards the door, but Viktor quickly grabs her, before she can open it. “Gabbie, you know not to answer the door.”

  “Icky, hers out there.”

  “I know, dragotsennyy, but what if it’s a stranger?”

  Gabbie huffs out a loud breath, as if she’s getting frustrated. “Hers not a stranger.”

  Viktor frowns, as he asks, “How do you know?”

  “Cause I know,” Gabbie says in the sassiest voice I’ve ever heard. Turning my head, I hide my smile. Gabbie makes it so hard not to laugh at the things she does, even if I know I shouldn’t be laughing. “See! It’s Uncle Seb!”

  Hearing what Gabbie said, I whip my head around, and sure enough, there he stands in the doorway. Seeing him so close, makes my heart begin to race. For the past week, I’ve only caught glimpses of him here and there, but mainly, only when I’m dancing. Which is why I have to remind myself to breathe, and not make a fool of myself.

  Gabbie literally jumps out of Viktor’s arms, but Sebastian gracefully catches her. I continue to stare, taking him in and getting my fill of the man I want more than anything. It’s like everything is suddenly moving in slow motion. Sebastian smiles at Gabbie, talking to her like she’s an adult, and in Russian I might add. I watch them interact, like I’m an outsider looking in. I’ve never seen him act like this before, and I realize, he’s amazing with her.