Addiction Page 5

  And then, he glances at me.

  Swallowing hard, that huge grin is still on his handsome, yet hard face. It makes him seem younger, almost carefree. Our gazes lock, only for a second, but that’s all it takes. My entire body warms instantly, as my heart begins to thump in my ears. Fuck, that look is everything, especially as it turns into something else that I don’t expect.

  It turns dark.

  Hungry.

  Daring.

  “Uncle Seb, watch me!” The spell is broken, as Sebastian sets Gabbie down, and we all watch her dance around the room. She’s been taking some ballet classes, and it’s starting to show. She has a natural talent, like her mom.

  “I’ve got to ask,” Ava begins, and I startle. I had no idea she was standing by me. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you,” she claims, laughing.

  “It’s fine. Gabbie is getting good,” I quickly say, hoping she doesn’t finish whatever question she has for me. I have this gut feeling it’s about Sebastian, and I don’t know if I’ll have an answer for her.

  But Ava doesn’t miss my subtle hint to drop it. “What’s going on with you and Sebastian?” Thankfully, she leans in to ask me that, so no one else hears her ask me something that I have no answer to. Sure, there is something going on, but what that is, I have no clue.

  “I don’t know what you mean,” I answer truthfully.

  “Oh, come on. I saw that look he gave you.” I shrug, turning towards her. She holds my gaze, as she says, “Viktor looked at me like that, when he watched me dance.”

  Shaking my head, I play it off, like it’s not a big deal. “I don’t think it’s anything to get worked up over.”

  “Trixie,” she starts, placing a hand on my arm. “I saw you looking at him the exact same way.”

  My stomach clenches, hearing what I already know. I’ve wanted Sebastian for a long time, but does he really want me? A part of me thinks, yes he does, but then, I barely see him for weeks on end. Not to mention, he has yet to make a move. A man like him doesn’t just sit around and wait for a woman to approach him, or I would’ve done so already. He throws off this vibe that tells me to stay away, yet I can’t seem to completely let go. That’s what holds me back. The fear he’ll reject me is strong, and I don’t know if I could put myself out there just to be hurt.

  So, if he wants me, he’ll have to come to me.

  “Okay, so I like him,” I admit in a low voice.

  “But?”

  “But,” I begin with a huff. “I’m getting mixed signals, and I don’t know what’s going on.”

  When Ava doesn’t immediately answer, I glance at her. She watches Viktor, Sebastian, Gabbie, and Nikolai playing in the living room, before claiming, “I don’t know exactly what’s going on with him, but I do know his past makes things complicated.”

  “What does that mean?”

  She sighs, and then says, “He’s a lot like Viktor in more ways than he wants to admit.” Frowning, I have no clue what she’s trying to tell me. “Just give him time, Trixie. Men like them, they have to work through their issues on their own time, before they’ll go after what they want.”

  Nodding, I ask, “How long I do I give him?”

  “Now that, I can’t answer for you.” Sighing, I cross my arms, wondering just how much longer I have to wait for a man that may never want me?

  When do I accept that he may never come to me, like I want?

  More to the point, what’s stopping him from taking what he wants?

  With my bag in hand, I walk through the back door, leading inside The Gentlemen’s Club. Usually, I make my way to the locker rooms, but tonight, I have something else I need to do first.

  After talking with Ava the other night, I realized that I could be waiting for Sebastian for even longer than I already have been. My luck, more years would pass me by, before finally realizing there is someone else out there for me. So, I’ve decided to put my feelings aside, since they’ve gotten me nowhere.

  Reaching his office door, I still myself for what I need to do. A part of me doesn’t want to ask for what I need, but the other part of me, the newer submissive part, is telling me I have to do this.

  I need a Dom.

  I thought it would be Sebastian, but I can’t wait forever for him.

  Raising my hand, I knock on his door. He calls out, letting me know I can enter. Clutching my bag in the other hand, I open the door, slowly walking inside. He sits like a king behind the huge dark wood desk, and I will myself to remain indifferent. I can’t keep letting my emotions take over every single time I’m around him, so it’s best to push it all down, and then forget why I ever felt anything for him.

  It’s easier said than done.

  “What can I do for you?”

  Shaking my head, he doesn’t even realize who he’s talking to. He’s yet to glance up from whatever task he’s working on. Honestly, it just makes this easier for me. “I’d like to become a member of Sensuality.”

  His gaze snaps up, and for a second, I catch shock in his eyes. However, it disappears so suddenly, that I wonder if I really saw it or not. “Who told you to come to me for this?”

  “Kendra,” I state plainly.

  Our gazes hold, and the urge to look away is becoming overwhelming. It’s his dominant side, trying to force me to submit, but I refuse to do so. “I see your lessons aren’t doing what they’re meant to,” he scolds, and I clench my jaw, as the sense of letting him down rushes through me.

  Pushing back my shoulders, I boldly claim, “You’re not my Dom, so my lessons are none of your business.”

  Now that, catches his attention. He raises an eyebrow, and I swallow, wondering if I just poked the bear too hard. I assume Weston filled him in on what Kendra and I do three times a week. My eyes never leave him, as he pushes his chair back and gets up.

  He stands, and as he makes his way closer to me, he unbuttons the jacket of his suit. “You’re right,” he says softly, as he leans on his desk. He’s inches away from me, but I’ve never felt so far from him.

  Something has changed for me. Maybe, it’s because I’ve been waiting for so long for him to claim me and make me his. Maybe, I just opened my eyes to the truth that he just likes leaving me hanging on purpose. Either way, I can’t just let life pass me by, when there is a chance I can have what I need the most.

  “I assume the reason you want to become a member of my other club is because you’re searching for a Dom?”

  “Yes,” I answer simply.

  His jaw clenches, and I feel as if he’s angry about something. “Do you have someone in mind already to fill this role?”

  My first reaction is to blurt out that it’s him, but I bite my tongue instead. “No, not yet.”

  Sebastian pushes out a breath, as he stands, and my eyes follow him, once he begins to pace. “Finding the right Dom takes time,” he says, but I don’t know if he’s talking to me or not. He seems lost in his head, as if he’s talking to himself. “Have to be patient.”

  “What the hell are you going on about?”

  He stops suddenly, and then turns those intense green eyes to me. “You’re not ready,” he utters, and I frown.

  Before I can say anything back, he rushes towards me, only stopping, when he’s right in front of me. Jesus, he’s so close that I can feel his breath on my lips. I can smell the hint of mint behind his toothpaste. I’m overwhelmed with the intense heat I feel coming off him, and when his cologne mixes with everything, I have to remind myself to focus.

  “Sebastian,” I call out, breathlessly.

  “Podozhdi menya.”

  Shaking my head, I step back, hating he refuses to talk to me in English. He knows I can’t speak Russian. “What does that mean?” He doesn’t answer, but his gaze holds mine, as if he’s pleading for me to understand something. “Sebastian, just tell me,” I beg, hoping he’ll finally open up. For years, we’ve been doing this stupid dance, and I’m sick of it.

  “Trixie, I—”

  �
�Hey, do you have those … oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t realize you were in a meeting.”

  Glancing back, I silently thank Margo for interrupting us. Whatever is going on here isn’t going to help me anyway. I’m done falling down the stupid rabbit hole, waiting for a man that clearly has issues that he can’t let go of.

  “It’s fine. I was just leaving,” I state, walking right out of the door and refusing to look back. He doesn’t call out for me to stay either. He doesn’t even bother to try and make me listen to what he was trying to tell me.

  Which means I was right.

  Pushing down the hurt, I feel stupid for thinking for just a second, that something more was going on in there. I’m a fool for thinking he wanted to tell me something important. However, deep down, I know he would’ve spoken to me in English, if he truly wanted me to know, right?

  Shaking my head, I walk into the dressing room, disappointment filling me to the brim. Tossing my bag down on my vanity, I place my hand on my hips. What the fuck just happened in there? I’m no closer to finding a Dom, no thanks to Sebastian. Why couldn’t he just give me what I want?

  What the hell does podozhdi menya mean?

  Against my better judgement, I quickly unzip my bag, searching for my phone. Once I find it, I send a voice message to Ava, knowing she’ll tell me what the hell it means. Pushing out a breath, I set my phone down, turning towards the clothing racks. Quickly picking out my outfits for tonight, I change into the first one, before coming back to my station.

  I refuse to look and see, if Ava has messaged me back.

  Instead, I remind myself to be strong, and that it doesn’t matter what that phrase means. Taking my bag off my vanity, I set it down by my feet, as I distract myself by putting on my makeup. Unfortunately, that doesn’t take long at all, so I move on to fixing my hair. Normally, these two tasks take a while, since I want to look my best.

  But tonight, it seems time isn’t on my side.

  Now that I have nothing to keep my mind occupied, I glance at my phone. My heart races, because I want to know what Sebastian said. Giving up, I snatch my phone and quickly unlock it. Ava has answered me, and I tell myself it doesn’t matter what it means. It won’t bother me at all, and I can go about my night, as if nothing ever happened.

  But as I read Ava’s answer, everything changes.

  Suddenly, time slides to a halt, as my breath catches in my throat.

  “Fuck me,” I finally say, reading over the message again.

  At first, I think I messed up the phrase Sebastian said, but I’m sure I got it right. Then, I move on to thinking maybe Ava translated it wrong, but that quickly fizzles out. Ava has Viktor as her tutor, so I know her translation is far from wrong.

  Feeling as if someone is watching me, I pull my gaze from Ava’s message, glancing towards the door of the locker room. Shock and confusion run rapid through my mind, as I notice Sebastian, leaning on the wall just outside of the doorway. He looks relaxed, as he stands there with his ankles crossed. It feels like Déjà vu, seeing him like this again. Not that long ago, he was in the same spot and in the same position, but tonight, something feels different.

  Hearing my phone ping with a new message, I don’t immediately look to see who messaged me, or what it says. Instead, I hold his gaze, wishing he would just tell me what’s going on between us. I’m tired of being pulled in two different directions with my emotions. I’m sick of the mixed signals, and for once, I want him to plainly state what he wants.

  Frowning, as he holds up his phone, I finally realize he means for me to check my phone. Against my better judgement, I pull my gaze away from him, grabbing my phone. Unlocking it once more, I pull up my text messages, seeing I have one from … Sebastian. With my heart pounding in my chest, I open it. My eyes devour what he wrote in seconds, as my breath completely leaves me.

  Jerking my gaze back towards him, he’s still there, as if he was waiting for me to read his message. Seeing him standing there now, everything I thought I knew changes. I know Ava said he’s complicated and has issues, and now, I realize it most likely runs deeper than that.

  There is something about him that needs more time, and even if I might end up regretting it, I nod my head, giving him his answer. Even from where I’m sitting, I see his relief that I’m giving him what he needs.

  Our gazes hold for a few more moments, before he slowly walks away, leaving me to wonder if I can do what he wants. Looking back down at my phone, I read his message again, hoping I can do what he’s asking. It’s funny how Ava’s translation matches exactly to his, minus the request.

  S: Podozhdi menya translates to wait for me. Can you do that, Trixie? Can you wait for me?

  One month later …

  Standing off to the side, I smile and then laugh, as Ava and Viktor smash wedding cake onto each other. They look so blissfully happy, as they should. Today, they became one legally, and it was amazing to be able to watch them. Even little Gabbie is smiling widely, as she continues swinging around her flower basket. Glancing over to Ella, she holds onto Nikolai tightly, as he wiggles around, wanting to be put down.

  And then, of course, my gaze lands on the man I’ve been staring at most of the day.

  Sebastian watches along with all the other guests, but his smile doesn’t quite reach his eyes, like everyone else’s. The longer I watch him, the more I realize he’s holding something back. I’m unsure of what it is, but it’s clear he needs something to make him truly smile. I’ve seen a genuine grin from him on occasion, but it’s only with Gabbie or Nikolai. Everyone else just gets what I call the ‘fake’ smile, like now.

  “Viktor! You promised that you wouldn’t smash cake on my face,” Ava says, and everyone laughs.

  “I’m sorry, moya lyubov'.” He leans in close, but everyone hears him, as he asks, “Forgive me?”

  Knowing Ava will forgive him, I turn, taking the empty dishes to the kitchen. As I’m placing the cups in the sink, I glance back again towards Sebastian. He’s chatting with Weston and Kendra, and I wonder what they’re talking about.

  “You know, you could just walk over and talk to him.”

  Smiling, as I face Ella, I claim, “It’s not that simple.”

  “Why ever not? It’s clear you have a thing for him, as he does for you. Neither one of you can keep your eyes off one another.”

  This is why I love Ava’s mom. She’s so down to earth, and instead of judging me, she’s giving me advice. I’ve grown close to Ella, since the wedding planning started, and I wish she would give my own mother some motherly lessons. She could learn a lot from Ella.

  “I wish I could, but I don’t know. I don’t have anything to say.” That is the truth for once. I’ve done what he’s asked. I’ve waited, and I’ll continue to wait for him to do whatever he’s waiting for.

  “How about this,” Ella starts, turning towards the champagne. She grabs two glasses, and quickly fills them with the bubbly liquid. “Now, you have a reason to go over there,” she states, handing me the glasses.

  “Thank you, Ella.”

  “You’re welcome, honey. Now, go on and get your man.”

  Letting out a laugh, I shake my head and do as I’m told. With a glass in each hand, I make my way over to Sebastian, hoping this isn’t a mistake. He never said I couldn’t talk to him, so I have to believe this is fine, right? I hate second guessing myself, and Kendra has told me so many times to stop doing it, during our lessons. I’ve learned so much from her, but I still struggle on this.

  However, once I reach him, Kendra catches my gaze, and she smiles. Before Sebastian realizes I’m behind him, Kendra pulls Weston away from their conversation, making up some excuse that I missed, since I’m distracted by the man in front of me. How can a man’s neck be sexy? How come I’ve never noticed the back of his neck before?

  Shaking myself out of my daze, I ask, “Would you like a drink?”

  Sebastian quickly turns around, and for a split second, I fear I’ve made a mistake. Seeing his
wide eyes, I realize that I’ve startled him, even if I didn’t mean to. He recovers quickly, taking a glass from my hand. Those green eyes take me in, as we stand inches apart, and I wonder what he thinks of the lavender, thin strapped dress Ava picked out for me. It’s long, touching my feet, and has a V neck in the front and back. It’s simple, but elegant, and it’s one I would’ve picked for myself.

  Taking a drink of the champagne, I hold Sebastian’s gaze, wondering what he’s thinking. I can never tell what’s going through his mind, but I have a sense he’s a puzzle just waiting to be solved. Licking my lips, my face warms, seeing his green eyes dilate. He doesn’t say a word, as his eyes wonder down my body, and I stand still, as he does so. Something is telling me not to move, and I have to think it’s the submissive in me, trying to please her master.

  Even if he’s not mine.

  Before I can take another drink of my champagne, Sebastian switches our glasses. His green gaze never leaves mine, as he takes a drink, making sure to put his lips on the lipstick stain on my glass. My mouth opens to suck in a breath, because I’m suddenly breathless. Why is it that everything he does is so fucking sexy and alluring? He slowly lowers the glass from his lips, but my eyes can’t seem to look anywhere else. What would those lips feel like on mine or on my body?

  Clenching my jaw, I force myself to look away, before I get lost. I told him I would wait for him, but for the past month, I’ve realized it’s harder to wait for something and not know what it is. Am I waiting for him, or am I waiting for something else entirely? I wish I knew, and the longer he makes me wait, the more frustrated I become. Kendra has even picked up on it, during the times she teaches me how to be the perfect sub.

  I need a Dom.

  I need a release, other than from my own hand or toys.

  “Have you given my request to become a member of Sensuality any thought?” I ask softly. I don’t know if anyone else knows he’s the owner of a sex club, and I don’t think it’ll be such a good idea, if everyone found out at Ava and Viktor’s wedding.